A little over a year ago…the stress of life got to be a little more than I could handle. I had met the girl of my dreams. A blond haired blue eyed woman, absolutely stunning beauty. We had met at work, and decided to keep it quiet. Well, with us hanging around each other all the time, and always in each others office…people figured it out pretty quickly.
For the most part, people were pretty happy for us when they found out, and over time, she and I became very close, and we decided to move in together.
There are a lot of other forces at work, and for brevity, I am going to leave them out of this article.
We both had very stressful jobs, always something wrong, always something to fix, or going wrong..constant changes in staff and management made the working environment difficult to say the least. Also, the company was always telling us that we could not go over our allotted hours; which made getting the work done impossible, but of course that’s not their fault is it?
My beautiful girlfriend and I dealt with the stress pretty well at first. We worked in the same place, so after work talk was fluid, and we understood what the other was feeling.
We liked to drink a little here and there. Usually just the two of us, sitting under an awning with a fire going…the cool summer breeze, some music, and even some dancing, just the two of us. It was a magical time in my life, and I will cherish it always. Her swinging her sexy hips to the music, the firelight dancing in her blue eyes, her blond hair bouncing to the beat of the music.
Over time, things creep up on you. Like they did for us. We began to drink a little more, then more.. The great times like I listed above, became fewer, we would fight more. Even the slightest comment would set one of us off. She slowed down on the drinking, maybe a few here and there, but not like we used to. I on the other hand, didn’t realize that I was heading down a slope. As I said, there are other forces at work here, and damn few of them actually involved me and my girlfriend.
Little by little, I drank more and more, and little by little, my girlfriend stopped sitting outside with me when I drank. I kept telling myself I didn’t have a problem, I told myself, I told my family, I told my kids, I told everyone… I was wrong.
My girlfriend, right after we met, slipped and fell and hurt her back…a year later, that slip came back to haunt her. Little by little her back hurt worse and worse, until it was so bad, she would be screaming in pain in the middle of the night, begging me to do something. There was little I could do, so I would call 911, and they would take her to the ER and suppress her pain, and I would take her home and tend to her.
[As her back got worse, I quit my job, not for that reason, but I was thankful I could at least be there for her when she was in pain]
Eventually, one ER visit resulted in an appointment with a neurologist, to see what could be done about her back. We went to the appointment and he gave us some suggestions, and we opted for surgery. 2 weeks later, she had the surgery.
It was scheduled for 5 ½ hours. It lasted a little over 7 hours. I paced the entire time, in all, I paced for a little over 12 hours. I never left, I never ate, I didn’t go anyplace. I paced and stared at the screen, (there is a tv monitor that tells you the status of your loved one). She was taken back to surgery at 7:25am, I next saw her at 7pm…and God love her, she looked like shit, but she was smiling. She kissed me, and held my hand, and then I knew she was ok. She told me to go home and get some rest. I stayed a bit longer, then went home. I was with her the entire way; I bathed her, changed her dressing, put lotion on her, and did everything I could to help her. We even got a bed from where we work, a hospital bed, to make it easier for her to sleep. I slept on the couch or the floor next to her, so I could get up for her in the middle of the night if I needed to.
Gradually, she got better, and was able to at least get up without help, and do things like fold laundry. I’ll wash it…but folding? Um, that can wait..
But in the back…was that demon, haunting me. Drink…
One evening a few weeks ago, she was busy chatting with friends via text. Her phone kept going off, over and over and over. I offered to take care of some…personal things for her, so I showered her, changed her dressing, her clothing and sheets. I felt alone. She was so busy with her phone, we weren’t talking, and I had bottled up a lot of frustration about it over time. I said I was going to run to the store, which usually takes about 20 minutes. I didn’t stop there. I went to the liquor store. She sent me a text asking if I did, and why didn’t I just be honest about it. I didn’t because I was ashamed, and sad. When I got home, I made sure she was ok, and again, tried to talk to her, but again, her phone was going off. I took my laptop and went outside and started to drink. I went on Facebook, and went to her page. Someone had posted on there, “…where have you been all my life?” I was furious. I asked her about it, she told me not to start.. Well, I did start, and I didn’t stop until the police showed up and took me to jail.
I am not going to go into details about that night, because they are not important; it’s in the past now.
I have not had a drop of alcohol since that night. I know she is out there, and I hear through friends that she loves me deeply, and that we will once again be together. I am working on going to rehab, (it’s through the VA, so I have to wait). I did go through inpatient detox.
I miss her blue eyes, her blond hair, and her smile. I miss her touching me, holding my hand, the soft kisses, holding hands in the middle of the night. I miss being there for her. I miss her swinging her hips in the firelight, and the sparkle in her beautiful eyes. I still wake up every night, and reach out for her, but she isn’t there. I have been told that she is sorry for calling the police, and I say she did nothing wrong, she gave me that boot in my ass that I needed to get the help I needed. I have a lot of guilt for acting like an ass when she needed me most. I was there for her and I like to think I got her through the worst of it.
I have a lot of hope for the future. I know my blond haired blue eyed woman is out there, and I know she loves and misses me…. I get sober for me, so she and I can be a better US. I love you Baby, this is for you.
My name is Patrick, and I am an alcoholic.